It's late.

...like 4:38AM kinda late.  I'm exhausted...a week of no sleep has me running on fumes. Tonight seems to be no different.  Things have been on my mind recently that have been running me into the ground.  I finally had the balls to vent to my wonderful roommate about my current, stagnant situation.  I guess I'll start looking into different options as to which path to choose starting Monday night.

Tonight, I also ran into someone who has been part of a situation that has been disturbing me greatly this week.  I just needed to vent to him my thoughts/feelings on the situation and I'm sure he didn't care.  At least he made an effort to seem compassionate.  He's a good guy.  Never had any problems from him at all before.  It just so happens that Life has a funny way of looping around and screwing with each others' paths and emotions.  The world really is such a small place.

I still feel sick at the thought of the situation.  This situation may not even be as big as I'm making it.  It's really none of my business after a certain extent, but I just can't help feel hurt.  I think I just push people away.  I'll find someone every-like three years, and then I just become bitter and I tend to hone and nag on everything.  I'm just at a loss for words at everything.

Therefore, I need something--someplace--to make me feel uncomfortable again.  To distract me from my current trails, tribulations, and worries.  I feel like I'm meant for something so much more than staying in Lafayette, Louisiana four years too long.  I've drained this Well of Opportunity dry.

In almost three hours, I should be back up and preparing for my first visit to church in almost four years.  I'm desperate for comfort.  I need something to help me ease the pain.  Even though I have my issues with the church, etc., I need to hear some plan of action for one's supposed life.  I would just like to see if anything might help me in the long run.

But who knows, I could sleep right through my set alarm.

Until then,

good night.

xx

I'm so angry.  I don't even know what to say or how to say it. I suppose I'm more hurt and shocked than anything else.  I don't even know if I should just try and shake it off or confront this person about the issue.

I think I'll just take a hot shower and think on it.

best version yet.

xx.

this is me

23 years young.

how mysterious, confusing and painful,

yet

b e a u t i f u l , 

love is.

this song will haunt me

fir the rest of my life, but i'm absolutely okay with that.

unf

current favorite

oui.

I've been doing and feeling the best that I've felt in the past two years recently.  Tonight, I heard this song and it broke me down.  For a moment, I felt weak all over, but then again, it just reminded me of how far I've come and just how much farther I have yet to go.

Enjoy.

xx

i just returned from a very relaxing trip to the beach.  i believe that i held my silence much more than i used my speech. to hear the waves and watch the reflections on the silky, smooth surface of the water has churned the most contemplative wheels in my mind. i had many sad thoughts come quickly to my brain so i was forced to type into my notepad on my phone before anything vanished.

one:

i exchanged the last bit of belongings with my ex today. it was a bittersweet moment. a cry that was stifled (and still continues to bounce up and down in my throat even to this exact moment). the strangest thing is that after replaying everything that happened, the relationship ended the same way it began. 

the only difference was that the hugs didn't mean the same.

the most peculiar things happen in life.

time to begin the recuperation process.

xx

God save McQueen.

i think i've been cursed.

after all of the people that have left my life, you would think i would be numb to it by now. it's quite the opposite.  it has battered and bruised me. it has created a complex...made me a dweller on the past. on the memories.


how can i fix this?


how do i keep my last flame alive? is it normal to feel this way? is it love or is it psychotic? will it pass or is it meant to be? how do i make myself wake up everyday and force myself to stop wallowing in my own sorrow?


xx

Still one of the most beautiful songs ever.

I would rather have never loved at all than to have loved and lost.

My favorite quote right now:

"My heart is a thousand years old.

I am not like other people."

this is the part of me...

If only I could go back to late-January

when I was on the edge of decision making.  Clearly I would be in Dallas by now.  The situation of being torn between two boys and not wanting to leave because of anxiety should not have even come up.  Had it been the old me, I wouldn't have given two fucks about anyone else but myself.

But there's a lesson in everything.  Maybe I needed to start thinking about others.



Nahhh.  Fuck that.

xx

my hair is going back to this soon.

thank gawd.

i've said it a few times before,

but i'm back to continue writing.  so much has happened in my life...so many emotions and life experiences.  my creativity has been silenced by alcohol and anger. i'll begin to pour out my aches and pains tomorrow after i've slept off my cough syrup in hopes of a healthier and more creative self.

g'night.
xx

brings tears to my eyes.