every-time that the world comes to a screeching halt and the silence makes its presence known and shrieks into my ears, i die. every-time that i dwell on the past, i die. every-time that i think about what could have been, i die.
i die quite often actually.
every-time that i think about you and what the fuck went on, i die. every-time that i try to look into your eyes and explain myself, i die. every-time that i try to piece together the messages, i die. every-time that i'm left alone, i die.
you see, i die almost everyday. like right now, i'm dying. and it hurts. excruciatingly.
last night was a bit much. someone whom i really like confused the fuck out of me. depressed, i drank more and more and lit up the cigarettes. there is more to life than this. and lately, i've been bored. i know i've said this many times before. i woke up terribly ill this morning as a result.
i kept a promise to a friend, and went to interview a select group of wonderful children for a mardi gras event. how interesting it was to learn the past of this local group. these children were so bright, and if they are our future then i'm totally comfortable enough to say that i'm okay with that. there was one child who had hispanic background, and had been placed into french immersion. how lucky he is to have completed so much in just seven years of life, and how much further he has to go.
tonight's the super-bowl. everyone is pulling for the saints. good luck to them. i don't know what i'll be doing, but i won't be drinking and i won't be watching the game. my apartment is quiet, dark, and cold. i can't go there. i want to be in the sunlight. i want to nap in the sunlight. i want to be warm again.