It's been so long. Sorry, I've been off defining myself in various crevices of the world.

it's been several days

but let me tell you that i have an angry soul and i'm afraid that there is no cure.

when i should be studying for finals...

+take it as you want.

anne demeulemeester.

+the sounds of the many cameras just turns me on.

hauntingly beautiful.

i've been dangerously addicted to the xx.

and i had been looking forward to seeing them in concert

only to find that it was sold out. :(

bits a recent inspiration:

i've been busy,

but today i have off from work and school.

i think i'll make a few posts.

tegan & sara.

tipitina's uptown.

new orleans.

02/24/10.

i woke up to find that alexander mcqueen had committed suicide.
i hope that he is much better now.
i say, if it makes you feel better, then do it.
touchè, mcqueen.
you're loved, and you'll be missed.

as a result, i threw on nothing but blacks and shades of grey,

and mourningly trapsed to class.

it has rained all day today.
snow in some areas, ice in others, but rain all over.
it's bitter cold too.

what a dark and gloomy place it has been.

RIP Alexander McQueen

February 11, 2011

(photo taken outside of store)

sometimes i die.

every-time that the world comes to a screeching halt and the silence makes its presence known and shrieks into my ears,
i die.
every-time that i dwell on the past,
i die.
every-time that i think about what could have been,
i die.

i die quite often actually.

every-time that i think about you and what the fuck went on,
i die.
every-time that i try to look into your eyes and explain myself,
i die.
every-time that i try to piece together the messages,
i die.
every-time that i'm left alone,
i die.

you see,
i die almost everyday.
like right now,
i'm dying.
and it hurts.
excruciatingly.

gone.

last night was a bit much.
someone whom i really like confused the fuck out of me.
depressed, i drank more and more and lit up the cigarettes.
there is more to life than this.
and lately, i've been bored.
i know i've said this many times before.
i woke up terribly ill this morning as a result.

i kept a promise to a friend,
and went to interview a select group of wonderful children
for a mardi gras event.
how interesting it was to learn the past of this local group.
these children were so bright,
and if they are our future then i'm totally comfortable enough to say that i'm okay with that.
there was one child who had hispanic background,
and had been placed into french immersion.
how lucky he is to have completed so much in just seven years of life,
and how much further he has to go.

tonight's the super-bowl.
everyone is pulling for the saints.
good luck to them.
i don't know what i'll be doing,
but i won't be drinking and i won't be watching the game.
my apartment is quiet, dark, and cold.
i can't go there.
i want to be in the sunlight.
i want to nap in the sunlight.
i want to be warm again.

houston.

i spent the day with someone amazing. i no longer felt alone. we began drinking wine at 8am, and stumbled into some of the world's most well-respected high-fashion stores around 10. i bought two extravagent pairs of shoes from zara, and a studded belt from saks fifth. it was originally $300, and i got it for $100. it's amazinggg. houston was beautiful, but the company was even more beautiful. it's whatever though. he already belongs to someone else.

damn.


goal for the month:
save up $400 for some crisp, vibrant prada loafers.

xx.

stream of consciousness.

life's been a bit of a blah lately

so i haven't shown much activity on here.

my life is becoming boring and repetitive.

i sleep, work, sleep, and work again.

pretty soon, you can throw school back into the equation.

so that equals: sleep, school, work, sleep, school, work.

=[

i'm trying to take as many language courses as possible.

i have an urge.

my mom left not too long after christmas.

the navy sent her to kuwait.

i'm not really close to anyone,

but if we had to choose,

i'm the closest to her.

it was really sad.

never did i think it would effect me the way it did.

i still do normal things and come to a complete stop and cry.

people in cars next to me probably think that i'm absolutely crazy.

i hyperventilated twice.

the night before and the day of.

i'll be extremely chipper and then it's as if someone hit me.

i no longer want to smile or entertain you.

the only thing i have to look forward to is the tegan and sara concert.

i feel like i'm falling apart at the seams.

not just because of family, but bc of friends too.

sometimes, i can't even think of one person to call.

i know there's always one.

and lately she's been a real help.

almost like she's my conscience,

and i speak to her often.

i feel a tattoo coming on.

maybe by the end of next week?

i just need something to show me that i am still

sane and that i can be independent and continue life alone.

lately, i haven't been able to sleep.

i toss and turn.

or stare.

my legs feel restless.

love.

fuck it.

that's always been my motto.

but i'm becoming lonely now.

21 years of being without a soul-mate.

just when i give a little bit,

i'm bitten and turn extremely sore.

i think my worst fear is being vulnerable.

my other fear is actually being alone.

i love my personal time,

but sometimes i spend too much time inside of my own head.

that's when i get scared.

i have anxiety attacks and things can get really dark.

and then i say to myself,

"this is what a mad man must feel like."

and i mean that statement with 100% solidarity.

i guess a secret new year resolution is to have myself checked out.

sometimes i just know that i need that extra help.

from whatever it may be.

but that's a secret though.

and i know you won't tell, because no one ever reads these things.

sigh.

sigh.

sigh.

xx

resolutions:

save money.

buy a car.

get back into dating.

have a valentine.

take a trip.

take a photo each day.

have my cards read.

brush up my spanish.

get more tattoos.

concentrate more on art.

attend more concerts.

laugh even more.

here's to 2010.

xx