stream of consciousness.

life's been a bit of a blah lately

so i haven't shown much activity on here.

my life is becoming boring and repetitive.

i sleep, work, sleep, and work again.

pretty soon, you can throw school back into the equation.

so that equals: sleep, school, work, sleep, school, work.

=[

i'm trying to take as many language courses as possible.

i have an urge.

my mom left not too long after christmas.

the navy sent her to kuwait.

i'm not really close to anyone,

but if we had to choose,

i'm the closest to her.

it was really sad.

never did i think it would effect me the way it did.

i still do normal things and come to a complete stop and cry.

people in cars next to me probably think that i'm absolutely crazy.

i hyperventilated twice.

the night before and the day of.

i'll be extremely chipper and then it's as if someone hit me.

i no longer want to smile or entertain you.

the only thing i have to look forward to is the tegan and sara concert.

i feel like i'm falling apart at the seams.

not just because of family, but bc of friends too.

sometimes, i can't even think of one person to call.

i know there's always one.

and lately she's been a real help.

almost like she's my conscience,

and i speak to her often.

i feel a tattoo coming on.

maybe by the end of next week?

i just need something to show me that i am still

sane and that i can be independent and continue life alone.

lately, i haven't been able to sleep.

i toss and turn.

or stare.

my legs feel restless.

love.

fuck it.

that's always been my motto.

but i'm becoming lonely now.

21 years of being without a soul-mate.

just when i give a little bit,

i'm bitten and turn extremely sore.

i think my worst fear is being vulnerable.

my other fear is actually being alone.

i love my personal time,

but sometimes i spend too much time inside of my own head.

that's when i get scared.

i have anxiety attacks and things can get really dark.

and then i say to myself,

"this is what a mad man must feel like."

and i mean that statement with 100% solidarity.

i guess a secret new year resolution is to have myself checked out.

sometimes i just know that i need that extra help.

from whatever it may be.

but that's a secret though.

and i know you won't tell, because no one ever reads these things.

sigh.

sigh.

sigh.

xx